Of Doritos Dust and Orange Eyeshadow

Life is hard.

And sometimes we find solace in a bag of Doritos.

We’ve all been there.

It’s way past your bedtime.

You’ve just spent the evening pretending you like being single: you’re lounging in your pjs paint-me-like-a-french-girl style looking cute af, proud of yourself for being you, but secretly raging that no one’s there to see.

You’re ok.

But you’ve reached the bottom of the Doritos bag.

A confused wave of relief passes over you. (“Thank goodness something saved me from myself. But ugh I want more fake cheese please and thank you.”)

Even your insta #foodporn and pinterest epicurean training can’t stop you from doing THE thing:

In a move that can only be defined as dignified, you dip a licked finger into the bottom corner of the bag, hoping your saliva will magnetically attach the Dorito dregs, forming an oh-so-tasty chia pet at the end of your perfectly manicured (I did say dignified) finger. Your imaginary bae-to-be would positively melt as they witness your beauty incarnate, you’re sure of it.

A quick and elegant flick of the wrist brings the intoxicating dust to your already over-oranged tongue. Delicious. Delectable. Oh so Dignified.

You double dip for seconds. You’re in too deep not to. But this time, I might suggest aiming your fingers’ return trip to your face a little higher, seductively swiping that powder across your eyelids like the vixen that you are. Congrats, this chip-induced pity party is now a seventies disco party for one.

(Ok this is silly. If anything, the eighties are back.)

But still, how different is Doritos dust from orange eyeshadow?

Yes, one is a food and one is certainly not. But I can’t help but notice a few things:

  • Both are things you put on or in your body, but one is significantly more regulated for the safety and source of its ingredients—and it’s not the eyeshadow hint hint.

  • Both have unpronounceable ingredients. But stick with me kid and I’ll teach ya how to read that list.

  • Both are heavily and artificially colored. But so are a lot of good things, so I’ll turn a blind eye to this for now.

Sounds weird, but as a chemist I would sooner put Doritos dust on my eyelid than I would eyeshadow. It’s not that eyeshadow ingredients are necessarily bad (Doritos ingredients certainly aren’t winning the Michelle Obama stamp of approval anytime soon), but the information about them is less available than that for nacho cheese dust.

Because of the profit-protected secrets of the beauty industry, I can’t trust that eyeshadow ingredient list. And that’s just not gucci.

I’d rather slowly poison myself (in spirit, not body) in faux-cheese self-indulgence than sport a powder that may or may not contain xyz.

This is an absurd apples and oranges comparison, I know. But it still has me queasy about the beauty industry’s opaqueness. And has me craving cheese. But what else is new.